These Sugar Free Jelly Bellys Will Destroy Your Intestines!
Are you looking for me to recommend you a sugar free jelly belly that is safe to eat?
Then I’m afraid you are going to in for an unfortunate surprise.
After a long and tiring session of searching, I have found no sugar free versions of jelly bellys that do not contain the dangerous product, Splenda.
The ingredients of this product are as follows:
- Maltitol Syrup
- Modified Food Starch
- Sucralose (Splenda Brand)
- Citric Acid
- Fumaric Acid
- Natural & Artificial Flavors
- Color Added
- Red 40 Lake
- Yellow 5 & 6
- Blue 1 Lake
- Yellow 5
- Beeswax (Apis Mellifera)
- Carnauba (Copernicia Cerifera) Wax
- Confectioner’s Glaze
Let’s get through this quickly.
Maltitol is a sugar alcohol. It gives you diarrhea very, very quickly. This is because it cannot be actually absorbed by your body, so it’s no wonder (With it at the top of the ingredients list) that this product acts similar to a laxative.
Splenda is another product that is simply not good for you (It contains Chlorine you know!) Stay away from this.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even bother going near this product simply because it contains these two items, but I will give you a much better reason in the next section.
So I bought a bag of these before heading into a movie theater. The movie let out at about Midnight, and I got home around 1:30am.
This whole time, my stomach just hurts. I feel really bloated, and I’m stinking up the whole place with gas.
When around 2 o’clock rolls around, I am officially out of commission. Sitting on the toilet, I let roar some of the nastiest diarrhea ever (And with all my health problems, I have seen some pretty nasty diarrhea in my days).
2:30, and it’s still coming. To help demonstrate how this feels, I have provided for you a song from “Mr. Bungle”.
Mr Bungle – My Ass is On Fire (Warning: Contains Some uh…unsavory lyrics…although hilarious, but if you are easily offended I recommend you DO NOT watch this video)
It continues on till around 3am, I am exhausted and I go to bed.
Seriously…don’t eat these Jelly beans.
They will make you…hurt…
I should mention the actual warning from the Jelly Belly Official Website. It says:
“WARNING: Consumption may cause stomach discomfort and/or a laxative effect. Individual tolerance will vary; we suggest starting with 8 beans or less.”
Would YOU want to eat a product with that type of of warning? I sure don’t (and wish I hadn’t).
The Hilarity Of Amazon
These Jelly Beans remind me of the hilarious sugar free gummy bears that you can buy on Amazon. These gummy bears (Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears) cause the same effect that I had above.
For example, headlines are varied like:
- “Just don’t. Unless it’s a gift for someone you hate.”
- “Do not bring to sporting events!”
- “Be sure to also buy a tub of Oxyclean with this to get the blood and diarrhea stains out of your underwear, clothes, furniture, pets, loved ones, ceiling fans.”
- “This ruined my life”
- “I would rather die than experience that again”
- “Chemical weapons grade gummy bears”
- “End Times”
- “WWIII occurred in my house after my family ate these.”
- “Rapture me, please lord.”
You can apply all of those headlines to the sugar free jelly bellys too. They were a bad decision.
Here are a few reviews in full that I took screenshots of. They’ll probably be a bit hard to read here, so feel free to go look at them on Amazon.
Christine E. Torok says: